Desperate
by mambrino
Summary: Kendall Knight, The strong fearless leader of Big Time Rush, is having a mental breakdown, but why and who can save him? Warning: Rated T for self harm and triggers. Kendall/James


A/N: this story kinda just popped into my mind as I was listening to David Archuleta's song called Desperate. If you don't no it I highly recommend you listen to it, but you don't have to.

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**Kendall's pov:**

_"You're reaching out, and no one hears you cry. _

I lay on my bed, my arms wrapped around my middle. I've been in here since we got back from the studio. Everyone else were out and about, actually living their lives while I stay behind and watch as my world falls apart around me

_You're freaking out again because all your fears remind you another dream has come undone._

My anxiety has gotten worse in the last few months. I keep having these terrible dreams and I sometimes wake up in a jolt, gasping for air. I remain quiet so I don't wake up James, but that's become increasingly harder to do since I've started noticing deeper feelings for him. The sad thing is he's most likely not gay seeing as he has a new girl around his arm every few weeks.

_You feel so small and lost like you're the only one, you wanna scream cause you're desperate. _

I get up from the bed, feeling so overwhelmed and slowly breaking on the inside. For the hundredth time I make my way into the conjoining bathroom and sit on the tile floor. I sit there thinking about my life and the fact that I'll never get to be with James. My heart sinks a little farther.

_You want somebody, just anybody to lay their hands on your soul tonight. You want a reason to keep believing that someday your gonna see the light._

My mind wonders to that new girl, Lily, who just moved in two doors down from us. I remember James instantly taking a liking to her. I think about the night that me and James sat in the apartment, watching a movie and it had two gay guys in it. I look at him and ask what he thinks about it. He replies with "That's gross, I hope I never meet anyone like that.'' I hold back tears in my eyes, but he doesn't seem to notice.

_You're in the dark. There's no one left to call. _

I grab the razor from the sink and pull up my sleeve. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be doing this. I start to make new lines across my wrist I don't even realize I'm crying until a tear falls into one of my cuts, stinging it immediately.

_Sleeps your only friend, but even sleep can't hide you from all those tears, all the pain, and all the days you waste pushing them away. It's your life, It's time you face it._

I put the razor down and just let myself sob. I pull my legs up to my chest, sobbing into my legs. I wish somebody would hold me and help me pick up the broken pieces, putting me back together again. I want someone to tell me it's gonna be okay. I catch a glimpse of my refection in the mirror that hangs on the door and hate what I see. No wonder James would never date me. My nose is to long, my eyebrows are to bushy, my hair is a disgusting yellow, my arms and legs are to long, and I have a pudge of fat on my stomach. He would never go for someone like me.

_You want somebody, just anybody to lay their hands on your soul tonight. You want a reason to keep believing that someday you're gonna see the light_ 'cause you're desperate.

I find myself thinking of how desperate and ugly I am. I want more than anything to get out of this, but I've been doing this for so long I can't seem to stop. I can't help but sob more as I think of this with the blood freely flowing down my arm. I want this to just end already.

_you know that things have gotta change, you can't go back, you'll find your way. And day by day you start to come alive._

I can hear someone yelling my name, but I'm crying to hard and my voice is to soft to be heard that I don't answer. I just continue to cry. Soon I hear banging on the door, but I have not physical strength to get up and answer. Suddenly the banging stops and I think the person has left, but I'm wrong. Not even ten seconds later the the person slams into the door and the hinges break from the strength, coming open. I don't lift my head to see who it is, but I hear their almost silent voice.

"Kendall?'' I hear James whisper. I keep my head down, not really knowing what to do.

_You want somebody, just anybody to bring some peace into your soul tonight. You want a reason to keep believing that someday your gonna see the light._

I feel the tall brunette sit beside me and wrap an arm around my trembling shoulders. I sob even more.

"Kendall, look at me.'' James ask, but I refuse.

"Kendall please, what's wrong.'' I shake my head, trying to calm down. James lifts my head so I'm looking straight at him.

_You want somebody, just anybody to lay a hand on your soul tonight. You want a reason to keep believing that someday you're gonna see the light._

"Kendall, please tell me what's going on, you've been-'' I watch as James eyes travel down to my arm. I quickly try to hide it, but James grabs my arm before I can. I can tell he's shocked by the look on his face. He runs his hands over the new and old scars on my forearm. I hiss in pain as he touches them.

"Kendall.'' He breaths. "Why?'' Surprisingly I don't find any anger in his voice, only confusion, and maybe love? that's probably just my emotions trying to trick me. I can't hold back anymore and throw myself into James' arms. I feel him run his hand up and down my back, making small shushing noises.

_'Cause your desperate, tonight.''_

"Kendall, you need to tell me what's wrong.'' James commands gently.

"N-no you'll hate m-me'' I hiccup.

"Kenny, I will never hate you and I will never judge you. I want to know what's wrong so I can help fix you. Please Kenny.'' James begs.

I hold my breath for a minute, contemplating if I should tell him how I really feel our not. I suddenly make my decision.

"I L-Love you James, more t-than a friend, a-and I never t-told you b-because I-I didn't w-want you t-to hate me a-and You s-said y-you thought i-t was g-g-'' Before I could finish I felt a pair of soft lips meet mine. I was so shocked that I didn't kiss back for a minute.

at first it's was kinda sloppy, but we both fell in-sync a few seconds later. It felt amazing, having the person I've been in love with for months finally kissing me. We pulled back when much needed oxygen began to leave our bodies. James looked at me and smiled, but if fell when he saw my arm.

I began to become self-conscience again and hid my face from his, a single tear slipping down my face. I was caught off guard when I felt James wipe away my tear with his thumb. I looked up and felt more tears come to my eyes.

"Com'ere.'' James wrapped me up in his arms as I cried again

"Why did you do this?'' He asked softly.

It took me a minute, but I finally replied, "I-I'm so ugly a-and I h-hate my body.'' I began listing off all my insecurities then looked down at my lap.

"Don't ever say that again.'' I looked up at James, but he wasn't mad. he was sad and I could tell he didn't like me saying these things. ''You are so beautiful. The only reason I ever said it was gross was because I had a huge crush on you, but I thought you were straight so I tried to ignore my feelings and date as many girls as I could. I could never get over how bright and gorgeous you're eyes looked. I love how soft your hair always is. Your eyebrows give you your character. You have the perfect length of arms and legs to wrap around and hug 're always so kind to people and you mean the world to me.'' James leaned down and kissed the top of my head.

"But I have these now.'' I showed him my wrist. "They make me look ugly.'' I replied quietly. James carefully picked me up and sat me on the sink counter then I saw him get out running alcohol and some gauze. He put some alcohol on a cotton ball and began to rub it over my cuts. I winced in pain, but it only lasted for a few seconds. I watched as he wrapped my arm in gauze.

"There, we'll change that everyday and I have to be in here when you shave.'' James told me. He led us back to our room and we both got under the covers. James wrapped his arms around me and I buried my head into his chest. He pulled my close, one hand around my waist and the other rubbing my back.

"Kendall?'' James asked.

"Hmm.'' I hummed in response.

"I love you. I love you so much and I'm so sorry you had to go through this alone. Promise me you'll always come to me when you're upset.'' I lifted my head and looked at him.

"I promise.'' Then put my head back on his steady rising and falling chest.

"And James.'' I said

"Yes?'' he questioned

"I love you to.'' For the first time in my life I didn't feel so desperate anymore. I finally had someone to love me, anxiety was no longer a problem for me anymore.

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A/N: so what did you think, was it good? I hope everyone liked it. please leave a review. Thanks

~Mambrino~


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